{"id":1845,"date":"2016-10-12T14:32:43","date_gmt":"2016-10-12T18:32:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jeremychoi.com\/?p=1845"},"modified":"2020-04-12T13:23:15","modified_gmt":"2020-04-12T17:23:15","slug":"raise-kinder-less-entitled-kids-according-science","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jeremychoi.com\/raise-kinder-less-entitled-kids-according-science\/","title":{"rendered":"How to raise kinder, less entitled kids (according to science)"},"content":{"rendered":"<figure id=\"attachment_1874\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-1874\" style=\"width: 1484px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-1874\" src=\"https:\/\/jeremychoi.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/entitledkids-web-01.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1484\" height=\"766\" srcset=\"https:\/\/jeremychoi.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/entitledkids-web-01.jpg 1484w, https:\/\/jeremychoi.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/entitledkids-web-01-300x155.jpg 300w, https:\/\/jeremychoi.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/entitledkids-web-01-768x396.jpg 768w, https:\/\/jeremychoi.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/entitledkids-web-01-515x266.jpg 515w, https:\/\/jeremychoi.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/entitledkids-web-01-720x372.jpg 720w, https:\/\/jeremychoi.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/entitledkids-web-01-580x299.jpg 580w, https:\/\/jeremychoi.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/entitledkids-web-01-320x165.jpg 320w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1484px) 100vw, 1484px\" \/><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-1874\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">A young and fascinating field of research called behavioral economics helps us explain why our kids act entitled sometimes. (iStockPhoto\/Washington Post illustration)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p>Maybe it was that time you took the kids to the amusement park, and on the way home \u2014 their adorable faces still sticky from the slushies you\u2019d sprung for, their little wrists adorned with pricey full-day passes \u2014 they asked to stop for ice cream. You declined, and they yelled, \u201cWe never get to do anything!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Or the time you asked them to dust the living room after you had vacuumed the house, cleaned the bathroom, mowed the lawn and shopped for groceries, and they wailed, \u201cDo we have to do everything?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>Readers Note: I didn&#8217;t write this, but I think from time to time I&#8217;d like to keep a history of articles that are well written with solid experience &amp; advice that I&#8217;m implementing with my kids. I take no credit, this is written by Karen Weese&nbsp;in the Washington Post <a href=\"https:\/\/www.washingtonpost.com\/lifestyle\/on-parenting\/how-to-raise-kinder-less-entitled-kids-according-to-science\/2016\/10\/03\/1a74fa3a-7525-11e6-b786-19d0cb1ed06c_story.html\">here<\/a>.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Nearly all of us have bang-our-head-against-the-wall stories about our kids acting entitled. We\u2019ve tried what feels like everything to stop it, and we still feel as if we\u2019re not quite getting it right.<\/p>\n<p>But there\u2019s a young and fascinating field of research called behavioral economics that explores the sometimes irrational ways we all make decisions and think about the world. Maybe if we understand a little more about the instinctive, irrational quirks of our kids\u2019 minds, we\u2019ll be better equipped to raise kinder, less-entitled kids.<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"\/\/www.washingtonpost.com\/video\/c\/embed\/d4b5012e-1104-11e4-ac56-773e54a65906\" width=\"480\" height=\"290\" frameborder=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p>Richard Weissbourd, a Harvard psychologist with the graduate school of education, and the Making Caring Common Project have come up with recommendations about how to raise children to become caring, respectful and responsible adults. (The Washington Post)<\/p>\n<h3>\u2018My excuses are totally legit\u2019<\/h3>\n<p>The cobalt-blue sports car roars up beside me, swerves into my lane, then races ahead. \u201cSeriously?\u201d I grumble. \u201cIdiot!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Just then, he hangs a quick left, right by a big sign that says, \u201cHospital Emergency Room Entrance.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Oh. Right. (Well played, Universe. Well played.)<\/p>\n<p>When someone cuts us off in traffic, shows up late or otherwise offends us, we often reflexively attribute it to an intrinsic characteristic of the person, yet when we inconvenience others, we generally blame outside forces (e.g., he was in my blind spot). This Scrooge-like tendency is so universal that behavioral scientists have a name for it: the fundamental attribution error.<\/p>\n<p>How can parents use an awareness of this tendency to their benefit? The next time we\u2019re at a restaurant and the kids are moaning, \u201cWhere is our food? This waitress is terrible!\u201d we can point out that maybe the kitchen is backed up and she\u2019s doing her best. Maybe she\u2019s covering extra tables for someone who called in sick, or this is her second job and she\u2019s been up since 4 a.m.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJust talking about \u2018How do you think that person is feeling?\u2019 is so important,\u201d says Amy McCready, a mother of two and author of \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/gp\/product\/0399184864?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=washpost-20&amp;camp=1789&amp;linkCode=xm2&amp;creativeASIN=0399184864\">The \u2018Me, Me, Me\u2019 Epidemic: A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World.<\/a>\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s a way of un-centering our kids\u2019 universe and getting them thinking outside of themselves.\u201d<\/p>\n<h3>The curse of the chocolate-chip pancakes<\/h3>\n<p>It\u2019s Saturday morning and you\u2019ve just set fresh pancakes on the table. Your sweet kids take a bite and then stop chewing. \u201cNo chocolate chips?!\u201d they say, affronted.<\/p>\n<p>Behavioral research shows that humans can become acclimated to almost anything if they\u2019re exposed to it frequently. It\u2019s called \u201chedonic adaptation,\u201d and it\u2019s why Justin Bieber is always buying more outrageous cars, why the kitchen we just remodeled suddenly needs a new backsplash and why lottery winners, after the initial thrill of winning, end up about as happy as they were before.<\/p>\n<p>What does this mean for kids and parents? Anything we provide or do regularly will become the new norm, whether it\u2019s postgame milkshakes or a certain brand of clothes. And not doing things can also become a norm: If our kids have gotten used to having their beds made or dinner table set, they\u2019ll come to expect that, too.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI really think about it as \u2018What\u2019s the default that I\u2019m setting up?\u2019 \u201d says Tess Thompson, a mother of two in Webster Groves, Mo. \u201cMy kids\u2019 summer day camp is set up for their nonstop entertainment, so naturally they thought summer Saturdays would be, too.\u201d Thompson had to reset their expectations. \u201cOnce the special outings weren\u2019t every Saturday, they actually felt like treats.\u201d<\/p>\n<h3>\u2018You know this isn\u2019t normal, right?\u2019<\/h3>\n<p>Six-year-old Allison McElroy invited a friend over to play, but her playmate kept peering around the house. Finally, puzzled, the friend spoke up. \u201cIs this a mini-house?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n<p>Allison\u2019s mom, Cheryl, tried to keep her voice level. \u201cUh, no, this is a real house. We live here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHer tone was like, \u2018Is this all there is?\u2019 \u201d recalls Cheryl with a laugh. Her daughter\u2019s new friend lived in a neighborhood of soaring foyers and echoing great rooms, different from the lovely ranch house the McElroys live in. \u201cI really think she\u2019d never been in a one-story house before,\u201d Cheryl says.<\/p>\n<p>The little visitor was experiencing what behavioral scientists call the \u201cavailability bias,\u201d which causes us to overestimate the prevalence of something if we see many examples of it. So if everyone at our kids\u2019 school wears $120 sneakers, our kids are going to think that\u2019s normal, not because they\u2019re spoiled monsters, but because it\u2019s what they see every day.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s really challenging, because we\u2019ve chosen to send our kids to nice private schools, and the other kids are coming back from spring break saying they went skiing in Aspen or Jackson Hole, and our kids start to get the impression that\u2019s the norm,\u201d says Josh Wright, a father of three in Takoma Park and executive director of behavioral consulting firm Ideas42. \u201cSo we\u2019re always telling them: \u2018You know that\u2019s not normal, right? It\u2019s just one little slice of the world.\u2019 \u201d To give his kids a sense of the wider world, Wright regularly takes them to volunteer at a local soup kitchen; he also chose to live in a socioeconomically diverse neighborhood so his kids would be exposed to a broader range of experiences.<\/p>\n<h3>\u2018Girl, age 6. Wants: Undershirts.\u2019<\/h3>\n<p>The paper angel in my daughter\u2019s hand read, \u201cGirl, age 6. Wants: Undershirts.\u201d The angel in my son\u2019s hand read, \u201cBoy, age 7. Likes: Dinosaurs.\u201d My lectures about faraway starving children had previously fallen on deaf ears, but on that December day, my kids, then age 5 and 8, eagerly dashed around the store to find just the right gifts. \u201cI think she\u2019ll like these! They have princesses on them!\u201d \u201cCan I get him a sweatshirt, too? I don\u2019t want him to be cold!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Of course, it wasn\u2019t my fabulous parenting that finally got them thinking. It was what behavioral scientists call the \u201cidentifiable victim effect\u201d \u2014 the human tendency to respond more empathetically to the plight of a single individual, rather than a large group.<\/p>\n<p>For instance, as behavioral economist Dan Ariely illustrates in his book \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/gp\/product\/0061995045?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=washpost-20&amp;camp=1789&amp;linkCode=xm2&amp;creativeASIN=0061995045\">The Upside of Irrationality<\/a>,\u201d you might consider sending a few dollars to victims of a tsunami far away. But if you were walking through a park and saw a little girl drowning in the river right in front of you, you wouldn\u2019t hesitate to plunge in to save her. The vivid, nearby individual always trumps the vague, faraway many.<\/p>\n<p>An awareness of this tendency can help us choose more effective ways to engage our children with those in need. \u201cFor kids to internalize it, it needs to be about individual people,\u201d Wright says.<\/p>\n<h3>Quid pro whoa<\/h3>\n<p>\u201cCome on, everybody, heave!\u201d With a final shove, you and your new neighbors wrestle their piano up the steps and into their house. The husband goes to the kitchen, where you assume he is getting you a beer, and comes back instead with his wallet. \u201cHere,\u201d he says, slapping $20 into your palm. \u201cThanks for the help.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Suddenly, oddly, your warm fuzzies fade, and your desire to invite them over for pizza later fades with it. But why? Research indicates that we are more motivated to do things as part of a social transaction than a financial one. When Ariely asked students to move a couch either as a favor or for $10, more students were willing to do it as a favor than for the money: Once money was involved, Ariely writes, they started thinking: \u201cIs this really worth my time? Is $10 enough? Is this guy stiffing me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>This suggests that paying our kids to do chores isn\u2019t necessarily going to turn out as we hope. True, it will probably work at first, McCready says, and it\u2019s no problem to pay for occasional, large tasks. But for everyday chores, \u201cat some point, you\u2019ll ask them to unload the dishwasher, and they\u2019ll be like, \u2018Ehh, I\u2019m good. I don\u2019t really need the money today,\u2019 \u201d she says. Or, the kids will start negotiating: \u201cHow much will you pay me to carry these groceries inside?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Instead, McCready suggests framing chores as needed contributions to the functioning of the family. \u201cI know cleaning the bathroom isn\u2019t fun, but if we all get to work, we\u2019ll have the house clean by lunchtime. [Hand child a sponge.] Thanks for the help!\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Clean house, warm hearts, generous kids.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Maybe it was that time you took the kids to the amusement park, and on the way home \u2014 their adorable faces still sticky from the slushies you\u2019d sprung for, their little wrists adorned with pricey full-day passes \u2014 they asked to stop for ice cream. You declined, and they yelled, \u201cWe never get to [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1874,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[10,1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jeremychoi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1845"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jeremychoi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jeremychoi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jeremychoi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jeremychoi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1845"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jeremychoi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1845\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jeremychoi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1874"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jeremychoi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1845"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jeremychoi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1845"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jeremychoi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1845"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}